Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Late for the Logline Fest!

I almost forgot I signed up for Steena’s Logline Blogfest! Sorry to all those who have followed the rules and participated. Here are my late entries (though you can see them on the sidebar as well):

The Many Adventures of Courtesy and Patience (MG Tall-tale):

The year 1911 was a golden year for aeronautics. But living in Maine, twelve-year-old orphans Courtesy and Patience would never have known had not a hot air balloon fallen on their heads. Saving the English pilot, his son, and a curious cargo from two dandy-suited goons named Sneed and Bowser course the orphans on a caper even they could not have imagined.



Jedda Hitler: Traitor to the Party (YA Historical):

Raised, groomed, and set apart, Jedda Hitler was her Fuhrer grandfather’s personal project to prove that even a small girl could be turned into a killing machine. Now at seventeen the grandfather she despised is dead and she’s left with a name and a life she never chose.

Check out the other great entries at CHOCOLATE REALITY. (And for those of you waiting for my next 7 rules, I’m sorry! I’ll post it next week. Promise.)

VERSION 2: Edited 6:00 pm PST

Thanks for all the great advice! I'm going to run a couple new versions by ya'll--do you like them better? (It's okay to say no.... Really.)

Jedda Hitler: Traitor to the Party (YA Historical):
Raised, groomed, and set apart, Jedda Hitler was her Fuhrer grandfather’s personal project to prove that even a young girl could be turned into a killing machine. Now at seventeen, her despised Fuhrer is dead and she’s left with a family torn apart, a country in ruin, and a life she never chose.

The Many Adventures of Courtesy and Patience (MG Tall-tale):
 The convoluted story of two passengers on an Orphan Train, a broken dirigible, an alchemist, a lumberjack with an affinity for jellyfish, and the spies in bowler hats who chase them.

VERSION 3: Edited 9:40 pm PST
(not much has changed, but I am listening to all the advice coming in! thank you so much!)

The Many Adventures of Courtesy and Patience (MG Tall-tale):

The year 1911 was a golden year for aeronautics. But living in Maine, twelve-year-old orphans Courtesy and Patience would never have known had not a hot air balloon fallen on their heads.

Jedda Hitler: Traitor to the Party (YA Historical):
Raised, groomed, and set apart, Jedda Hitler was her Fuhrer grandfather’s personal project to prove that even a small girl could be turned into a killing machine. Now at seventeen the grandfather she despised is dead and she’s left with a name and a life she never chose.

FINAL ANSWER (Ha, ha. Yeah, right!): Edited 11/4 1:00 pm PST

The Many Adventures of Courtesy and Patience (MG Tall-tale):
The year 1911 was a golden year for aeronautics. But living in Maine, twelve-year-old orphans Courtesy and Patience would never have known had not a hot air balloon fallen on their heads.

Jedda Hitler: Traitor to the Party (YA Historical):
Raised apart, Jedda Hitler was her Fuhrer grandfather’s personal project to prove that even a young girl could be turned into a killing machine. Now at seventeen the grandfather she despised is dead and she’s left with a name and a life she never chose.

39 comments:

  1. I love love love the idea of the MG. Seriously.

    The logline for the YA story sounds a little less focussed but I'd still be intrigued enough to pick it up!

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  2. Both are great and I'd pick the book off the shelf if I'd read them.

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  3. They both sound like a good read to me.

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  4. I also forgot until late yesterday, and decided to just comment on people's loglines instead.

    And I love both of yours. I think the YA one is especially intriguing (I would totally read it!), although I agree with Marieke that it's not as specific. I had to re-read the first sentence twice to really understand it.

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  5. Ooh I like your historical plots with a difference.
    Thanks for your comments on mine.

    I found your first one a little wordy, perhaps consider editing?
    I thught the second one was very enticing. :O)

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  6. Love them both~ I'd pick up the YA one based on the protagonist alone. Hitler's granddaughter??? Holy-interesting-possibilities, Batman!

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  7. Wow!! Fantastic loglines!!! I'll tweak the "..course the orphans on a caper.." - the word "course" seems odd but I may be wrong!!

    Jedda Hitler is amazing!!I would add something as to what triggers her hate of her inheritance and her name at 17 - why at 17?

    But that's just me!! I love the premise of these books!! Take care
    x

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  8. I love these! Thanks for commenting on mine. It was my first try at it. I honestly didn't know we could use more than one sentence. I'm taking all the advice I received and plugging away a few newer versions. The story from Maine sounds interesting. I'm from Maine, so, yeah...it was appealing.

    Both lines are really good, though. Best of luck!

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  9. Reaalllly? I like this! How bizarre, I love holocaust stories and this is a new (I mean REALLY new) twist! AWESOME.
    *#18 in the log line list*

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  10. Oooh, both are neat! I'm more drawn to the second one; the first has a lot going on (maybe too many characters are mentioned?)

    Loved your characters names! ;)

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  11. For a logline the first one is too long. Usually it's one sentence, up to two for the MSFV contest.

    I like the second one, but then I'm partial to YA. :D

    Great job! With the YA one, you made it seem so easy to write a logline. ;)

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  12. These are so different from each other - yet I'd love to read both! Great job :)

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  13. Wow they are both so different but I like them both.

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  14. The word "course" also threw me for a loop in the first logline. The second needs some more specifics but I think both stories sound really good. :)

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  15. Yeah, they both sound great. My fav of the two is the MG.

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  16. Heya, glad you posted :) With the first logline, I think you could actually delete the first sentence, and mention the year elsewhere in the logline. Also, I'm not sure that it's particularly relevant to mention where they live... Those two suggestions might help you shorten the logline a bit. I'd almost start "When a hot air balloon falls on the heads of ...", maybe have a play around with that :)

    Also, I wonder, are you intentionally trying to alliterate (is that a word?) in the second sentence, cause there's a lot of "c" words :) Just something to consider (tee hee).

    Re the second logline - I LOVE this premise, it actually sounds really, really exciting. I'd almost delete the first "Raised, groomed, and set apart", as I don't think it adds much, and think about starting with "Seventeen-year-old Jedda Hitler was her..."

    Best of luck with it :)

    Rach

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  17. For the MG- I agree that the first one is too long, as some have said. ALso tht the word "never" is used twice in a short span seemed off a bit. For me, I think that you could shorten it and leave out a few details that will keep me into it but give me a highlight of the really unique and cool elements that you have- it's 1911, they're orphans and a hot air ballon falls on their head, sending them on a wild adventure!

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  18. These both sound great. Now I'm even more excited to read Jedda!

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  19. Better late than never.

    Loglines are an interesting challenge, shrinking thousands of words into so few. Great job!

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  20. Interesting premise. I like version two the best. Can't wait to read the story. Good luck on this.

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  21. I think both of them for Jedda are awesome! I can't wait to buy a copy of it Jackee....

    I like the first one better for C & P...I was a bit confused by the second (revised) one.

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  22. Hi, with the YA logline, I actually liked the second sentence of the first version better - I think it read much stronger (and we all know the history of Germany so it's much more personal just to focus on Jedda's experiences, so no need to mention the country torn apart IMHO).

    You're going to hate me, but I'm not sure about the new MG logline at all - it sounds a little like one of those radio ads which can be spoken in that deep announcer's voice ;) More seriously though, I think it might be a bit too vague...plus there was so much more voice in the first version.

    Hope this helps, sorry to throw a spanner in the works :( I've gone through 7 or 8 different versions of mine :(

    Rach

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  23. Looking at the Jedda Hitler one, I like version 2 :-)

    But after receiving SO many comments on my own I know that at the end of it you've got to pick the one YOU think is best, because just about everyone has a different opinion!

    I think you've done well though, and that historical YA sounds REALLY interesting! I'd be keen to read it!

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  24. These are really good, Jackee! I liked the first versions a lot but the other versions were good too. I think I liked the second version of Jedda Hitler best. I'd definitely read that book!

    Jai

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  25. I like your revisions. The MG one made me chuckle. I think it has just the right amount of snark. For the YA, I think I'd only take out groomed. Not sure it's necessary. But great work!!

    I finally posted my totally revised versions a few minutes ago. On Monday, I had no idea how to write one. This has been a learning experience.

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  26. The Hitler one has me hooked (I read more YA than MG so it's just the one I'd be more likely to pick up).

    Agree with the pp'er to take out the word "groomed".

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  27. I know how hard it is to convey a lot of information into one line as I struggle to do it myself. But for a a two or three line pitch, these loglines are good.
    Margay

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  28. Hi there. I'm not reading the other comments because I want to give you mine fresh.

    I thought the Jedda logline was fine from the off, but each version you've done has been strong. I think you have something special going there!

    I like the aeronautics logline #1 best. It shows your quirky style. However, I'm still not sure what the conflict is apart from the girls' learning something about aeronautics.

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  29. I prefer Version 3 of both loglines. They are intriguing and both make me want to read the stories.

    Nice work!

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  30. Wow, they both sound so intriguing. I especially liked version #3. =)

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  31. I really like the changes. Just some tightening suggestions:

    The year 1911 was a golden year for aeronautics but twelve-year-old orphans Courtesy and Patience would never have known that had a hot air balloon not fallen on their heads.

    Raised, groomed, and set apart, seventeen-year-old Jedda Hitler was her Fuhrer grandfather’s personal project to prove that even a small girl could be turned into a killing machine. Now her despised grandfather is dead and she’s left with a name and a life she never chose.

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  32. I'm interested in the Jedda Hitler one. It sounds interesting.

    The MG idea sounds pretty awesome.

    I think the edits you made on both sum the stories up quite succinctly. Good job on the loglines.

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  33. I love the way both of the "final answers" turned out. You did a nice job of paring down the MG line (which I love, btw) and the YA final one is fabulous! :-)

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  34. How cool to see the transition of both stories! I love the concept of each - very original. I'd certainly read them!

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  35. Hi! The final version is very good -- really captures the conflict your MC will face in life.

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  36. I'll focus on the YA logline (because I'm German haha <- evil laugh)

    I like the title a lot, and do hope that you have an explanation in the book why Jedda lived while Adolf killed all the rest of his family. Also, i was wondering why she didn't get a "true German name". Also, if Jedda was truly Adolf's grand-daughter, why would he do that to her. He was megalomaniac but he did care for his family. I could see him picking someone else's child for such an experiment though. ;-)

    Now, to the blurb. What's still missing are the choices she faces and the consequences that come with it. What are the stakes? As it is, you present an interesting idea but no plot. It's hardly more than the inciting incident. Try to tell us a bit more and you'll hook an agent, I'm sure.

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  37. Sorry I'm late with these. Having read through all of them, I think your mg is missing the goal, conflict and stakes which are all key to a pitch. You've put in the interesting and fun elements but the storyline is still vague.

    I love the YA one. That sounds interesting and different.

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  38. It's hard to pick. They seem so readable. Love them. I'm wondering what Jedda goes through and I'm picturing fantastic adventures for those twins.

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